I had a bit of truffles on the eve of my 26th, got in bed and begun playing Little Women on Netflix while switching through the various social media apps on my phone. About half an hour in, I was full on having a giggling fit at everything and the weird part was there was tears streaming down my face, not because I had laughed particularly hard but the the tears simply accompanied the laughter like lightening and thunder.
F. visited and somewhere along the lines of our conversation I got triggered, went silent, attempted to explain myself, got a response I was not expecting, got triggered again, and then the tears increased in momentum.
There I was, tears silently streaming down my face in the dark and trying to explain why I was in my feels. They claim truffles are akin to truth serums and they didn’t lie lol. Anyway, while I was explaining, although I didn’t go into too much details, it honestly felt like I was crying it away. Each tear made me feel lighter and more relieved.
My life has been for the most part, not to be dramatic or anything, but one sort of trauma piled on from childhood. That baggage was weighing me down after 25 years and in that moment, I thought to myself even if it was just for the duration of the trip, I would take it lol. But interestingly, I think it has carried on. I realised, beyond that moment of childhood traumatic release, that the root causes of most of my anxiety triggers are rather inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. I may be lucky enough to see 26 but it is not guaranteed I will not be around for long. It seemsed rather like folly holding on to them and letting them dictate the decisions I make in life, like I will go collect some awards after death or something. Cue NAO’s Fool To Love.
So yeah, it was not an extreme visual hallucination induced trip but it is said to bring out issues you might be suppressing and I guess that was it for me. I am low-key big on symbolism and since the past few weeks I have been thinking of how the Phoenix dies and is reborn. Like yeah, I done been through the fire and this is me being revived, second go at this thing called life, hoping to soar and not crash and burn this time.
P.S: I am not endorsing the use of drugs y’all, it’s legal in my country of residence so yeah, just my experience being put out there and proceed at your own risk. Check like disclaimer dey need for this matter lool.
I don’t know if I am particularly audacious now but I woke up on my birthday feeling rather strongly that there is no need to placate the emotions of others when they refuse to acknowledge and deliberately ignore my boundaries. Being my birthday, I knew the matriarch would bring up the issue of marriage and childbirth which irritates me on a good day and even more so on my birthday. I decided rather than putting her down softly, this time I would make sure she understands not to mention it again. Cannot be planning my life for me unprovoked like that.
True to form, she video called and after wishing me well, delved into, “adze kor a woaka ne dɛ Nyame bɛ ma awar na awo mba.”
To which I sweetly smiled and responded with, “ɔno dze ɛne Nyame nkasa osiandɛ m’aka dadaw dɛ me mpɛ awar anaa mba.”
“Ntsi ɛre pɛ akyerɛ dɛ enwar nwo da? Dɛm na ɛpɛ?”, she asked and so I ranted about how my autonomy needs to be respected regardless of her choice to have kids. Birthing me does not automatically mean I need to birth others. Especially seeing as I was not part of the decision making process that brought me on earth, which has been a shit show for the most part (okay I did not say this because how does one say shit show in Mfantse?). At least I get to spare some other human the misery the world has to offer and I will not be shamed for it or coerced into altering my mind. She did try countering with she meant I know what I want as per academically and professionally but personal life deɛ she dey expect say I for marry den born.
Anyway that topic ended with a, “Nyame nhyira w’ano.” And I agreed because no husband and no kids from my lips to God’s ears? Afuckingmen.
The average life expectancy of Ghanaian women is ~64 years which is ~39 percent of the time I have done so far on earth. I am likely to die before I even hit retirement so like yeah, enough with the fear and self sabotaging and kowtowing to superiors. From here on out, it’s really going to be full on centering myself and loving myself hard to always put me first be it in interpersonal situations with family, friends or colleagues.
Baby girl for life but your bitch is also a big woman now so like yeah, we for align and all. Just hoping the year doesn’t deal me cards I will be ill equipped to utilise because a bitch has suffered already la and at this point I hope the universe agrees with me when I say I deserve some kindness and softness along with plenty prosperity. So mote it be.